Today marks my one-year of finishing treatment. It’s pretty scary how fast time flies. I can still recall very clearly the first and last day of my treatment, and the times when I used to think that time is just moving toooooo slowly.
So many things have changed in my life in the past year. I have become so dependent. I was never like that. During my treatment, I was always surrounded by my family and had a lot of attention most of the time. I was also very spoiled; well this was much needed during treatment but it kind of deteriorated my independence. I would avoid going to places alone from the fear that people would stare, especially that in our culture, people love to stare! I didn’t feel like I looked like myself. While I didn’t care much for what people might be thinking, having someone with me gave me that extra self confidence.
I have learnt something; always try to understand the reason behind your actions, ask yourself the question why. When you really walk yourself through the answers, you will just find them insignificant and soon you will find yourself overcoming them. I tried to help myself become more independent but it took me a while. During my treatment, I was very strong. I handled things very well. And now for me to actually admit that I can’t do things on my own, or even be alone is just a sign of weakness. I think during my treatment, I was the strongest I can ever be! Now I’m going to put this in my head and move on with this belief.
I’m sharing this for one simple reason, if you are going through what I am going through, don’t think you are alone. If you don’t hear similar stories from others, then you’ll think you’re the only one going through such things. Well you’re not. I mean it’s not so easy to publicly share what I am going through, but someone has to start it, right?
Before my treatment, I always used to be considerate of others; I used to do things to please people around me. Now I’m not saying I have become inconsiderate, that’s a harsh adjective to describe me but I have become selective in being considerate. I guess that’s the best way to describe how I’ve become. During such times, you come to realize that not all people appreciate kindness, and not all people stand by your side in harsh times. Don’t waste your energy on those who simply don’t deserve it.
I have also become very moody. I mean this is very normal. Sometimes I feel I just don’t want to see anyone, and other times I feel I want to see few people, few people that put a smile on my face, few people that make me happy from the inside. Is that wrong? Nope. So why should I take that extra mile and do something for the sake of someone else and not my own? My husband’s argument is that we live in a society, and if I continue being like that, I ‘ll eventually lose my friends. Well my response is, I prefer to have few friends that truly care and understand what I am going through rather than having a big number who consider themselves to be “friends”. Funny, after finishing treatment I thought it was all over, but that was not the case. There are other things that you still have to deal with within you. But never give up. Every incident in your life happens for a reason and it’s up to you to look at this incident and turn it into an event that changes you for the better.
On a positive note, this short detour in my life has made me a more confident person, and a critical thinker. I have also learnt how to understand myself better. And of course, I have discovered a new passion, passion for writing.
Writing is seeing and reading one’s inner thoughts. I really never thought I would actually start writing one day!!! It helps me open my eyes to things I was not aware of or things that were hidden in my subconscious.
I’ll end this post with a small advice: you will never go back to how you were, so acknowledge how you are, and work on how you want to become.
Lovely reflection. Very introspective and honest. I like the last paragraph.